“I’ll give it a try.”

Whether it’s sampling his exotic drink concoction (even if it makes you gag), hopping on a kite board on vacation, or spicing things up between the sheets, guys love a woman who’s game for new stuff. It shows that you’re confident enough to let them see you outside your comfort zone and that you’re not about to let the relationship get stale.  Spicing things up…outside the bedroom, as well as inside, is one of the most important keys in any relationship.  Being with the same person for many years can get pretty damn boring if you don’t!

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”

Granted, they probably don’t expect to hear this if they stumble in at 3 a.m., smeared with lipstick that’s not yours. In that case, I would suggest using a golf club (sorry, I’m a huge Tiger fan but I couldn’t resist that one).  However, there are times when letting them off the hook is a very cool move…like on occasions when he’s running 10 minutes late for a dinner with friends. Or when he’s in a bad mood and just doesn’t  feel like talking.  Give them some space, it works.  Trust me.  I had a boyfriend that had a man cave and if he came in the house and was in a mood, I’d tell him to go into his cave for a couple of hours and come out when he was ready.  I NEVER gave him a hard time about it and it worked.  He was appreciative that I was so cool about it.  Truth is, I loved the silence! Joe, if you’re reading this…I LOVED the man cave.  I wish every guy had one.  I think he appreciated the lack of pressure and made him more apt to open up in the long run.

“Wow! Where did you learn that?”

Try this in the bedroom and you’ll boost his sexual confidence into the stratosphere for this reason: Every guy wants to be first to conquer uncharted pleasure territory. And once he knows that something he did works, he’s very likely to do it again…and again. As some of you know, I’m training a puppy right now.  Same principal.  If he knows I’m really happy with him, he imitates that behavior over and over again.  All men are the same.  Human, canine…it doesn’t matter.  Ok, maybe that’s not true, but the first part is.  Praise him…over and over again.  You will be the beneficiary.

“I need your opinion.”

Asking for his guidance lets him know you’re interested in what he has to say, rather than just using him as your sounding board while you vent. Besides, many dudes consider themselves experts on lots of things—from gadget shopping to financial advice to workplace revenge—so he feels validated when you actually believe he’s qualified to help you out with a dilemma. But start with something less loaded than “Which outfit makes me look less fat: the jeans or the dress?”  They hate that one!!  And we never get the answer we want!

Is his personal life any of our business?  He’s a person…just like you and I.  The only difference is that he was born with a gift that very few people are given.  Granted, that gift was honed by his father, but the raw talent belongs solely to Tiger.  What did we learn this week?  That he cheated on his wife.  Is that something to be admired or applauded?  Of course not, however I would be hard pressed to find a married man I know that hasn’t cheated on his wife.  Sad, but true.  It’s an extremely common occurrence.  People fall in and out of love constantly.  I’m not even sure it’s possible to be in love with one person for eternity.  We fall in love and society tells us the next step is engagement and then marriage.  I know from experience what it’s like to think you are in love or maybe actually be in love…and then fall out of it.  Luckily for me, there were no kids involved.  It was easy to move on.  But what happens when there are kids involved?  Well…love or not, people stay married once children are in the picture.  Which, in my opinion, is why some men cheat.  No longer in love with their wives, but completely in love with their children, they look for physical and emotional fulfillment outside of their marriage…all the while intending to keep that marriage intact.  Is that fair to anyone?  I don’t think it is, but I completely understand why people do it.  I have too many friends to count that tell me they are only married because of their kids.  Personally, I find this so sad.  Everyone has a right to be happy and there are too many people that aren’t.  We get one life…not to make the most of it is a terrible shame.  I’m not excusing cheating, I’m only saying I understand it to a degree.  People change, relationships start to falter.  Some can be saved, but what about those that can’t be?  Is a loveless marriage better than divorce because you have kids?  It’s a question with no answer.  No right answer, anyway.  If Tiger didn’t have two children, would he still be married?  Only Tiger knows for sure, but with a prenup that is as iron clad as his is (or was if the rumors of a new prenup are true), I would venture to guess not.

I don’t idolize Tiger Woods or look to him as a role model.  I just admire and respect his incredible talent…a talent that is mind boggling to me.  I watch him in awe and marvel at his physical abilities and mental toughness.  We are all human and as such, we are flawed by design.  Each and every one of us.  A perfect human doesn’t exist…it’s not possible.  The people that act outraged about Tiger should look around at their friends, family, neighbors and coworkers….you’ll find a large percentage are cheating or have cheated.  Are they publicly ridiculed, criticized and ostracized?  No, they aren’t.  Their faces aren’t splashed across every tabloid magazine, newspaper and webpage you can imagine.  Yes, he chose to be a professional golfer…but he is obsessed with his privacy and he has every right to be.  Aren’t we all concerned with our privacy?  Don’t we have the right to live our private lives in private?  Yes, we do….and so does Tiger.

When your external reality is out of sync with your inner self, your inner self will resist it. This creates the feeling of wanting to escape your circumstances. You may feel powerless to make big changes, but deep down you’ll still sense a strong desire to “get out” and leave parts of your reality behind. You’ll fantasize about quitting your job, moving out, or ending a relationship.  But they don’t have to be just fantasies.  I actually did those things this year.  And you know what?  I am a better person for it.  I feel better than I have in months.  I made all the changes necessary…so that my external reality is now definitely in sync with my inner self.  It’s liberating.  I don’t have to live a lie or not be true to exactly who I am and what I want.

It’s easy to lose years of your life while surrounded by incompatible energies. This problem is so common that some people just consider it normal. They figure it’s normal to dread going to work or to feel disconnected from the people around them. This may be common, but it certainly isn’t a healthy situation.  Unfortunately, most people don’t have the courage to follow their dreams or even worse…they don’t think they deserve to be happy.  The person I mentioned in the first paragraph thinks he’s the only person in the universe entitled to happiness.  Not true.  We ALL are.

When you look at the different parts of your life…your career, health, relationships, spiritual practice, daily habits, and finances — and ask, “Is this really me?” do you hear some no’s? How long have you been tolerating these incompatibilities? Why don’t you simply kick them out of your life, so you can replace them with something more compatible?  The answer is simple…it’s called fear.  Fear of the unknown.

Some people think it’s a good thing to tolerate the parts of life they don’t like. That’s dumb. Tolerance isn’t acceptance. Tolerance is resistance. To be more specific…tolerance is resistance to love.  Don’t get me wrong, I think commitment is an honorable thing.  Commitment to a job, a situation or a relationship that isn’t working for me isn’t honorable, however.  It’s suffocating.

When you fill your life with energies you must tolerate, you prevent yourself from attracting what you really want. The more incompatibilities you tolerate in your life, the fewer compatibilities you’ll be able to attract and enjoy. Keep this up for a few years…and you’ll be drowning in a life that feels totally wrong for you.

Many people, upon quitting an unfulfilling job or leaving a draining relationship, feel a sense of relief…I know that is true for me. Was there some anxiety and uncertainty about what to do next, of course there was, but the feeling of relief was very strong. “Wow, I can breathe again! I’m glad that’s finally over! Time to move on to a new chapter of my life!” Relief feels like a heavy weight has been set down.

Don’t let fear stop you from extricating yourself from what you don’t want. If you know you don’t want it, you’re going to have to quit. The longer you remain stuck, the worse it is for you. Your inner self will keep nagging at you. You’ll be stuck dealing with a lot of negative emotions until you summon the courage to kick the incompatibilities out of your life…which could be years from now.  Years of your life that you can never get back.  Is that really what you want?  I know I didn’t want that.  I had wasted enough time.

Don’t get so attached to your status and your stuff that you can’t quit what you’ve been tolerating for too long. Your job title, money, and possessions won’t give you much comfort. Better to lose all of that than suffer through a phony life that just isn’t you. I used to think that Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Jimmy Choo, Tiffany and Cartier could heal what ailed me.  I spent so much time shopping and spending money to fill an emotional void.  Retail therapy is the popular term for that. Now, I still buy those things once in a while, but not to fill any void.

If you ever get tempted to lower your consciousness (by tolerating parts of your life instead of loving them) in exchange for more money, security, or comfort, realize you’re about to step foot through the gates of hell. It’s a trap that can see you wallowing in negativity for years to come.

You won’t be able to attract what you want while you’re still tolerating what you don’t want. You have to say “I quit” first. This is life’s test of courage. If you can’t summon the courage to quit what you know you don’t want, you certainly won’t have the strength to receive and hold onto what you do want. So you have to pass through this stage first. I know it sucks to have to go through it, but it’s there for a good reason.

You’re being asked, “Are you willing to step up? Are you willing to demand more from life? Can you prove you won’t settle for less than what you want?”

If you get scared, run back to the familiar, and settle for tolerance, you lose this challenge. You’re saying to life, “Sorry, I’m not ready for anything more than what I have right now. I’m too scared. Let me stay here for a while longer, wallowing in what I don’t want. I need to build more strength before I’m ready to ask for what I do want. Please keep making my life harder until I’m finally able to let go of this.”  Trust me, I’ve been there.  It’s hard as hell.  But having come out on the other side of it, I can tell you with absolute certainty that it’s worth it.  One thousand percent…I promise.

Fortunately there’s no limit to how often you can take this test. When you ask for what you want, you can expect some resistance to come up. You may have a financial setback or a health problem that makes you want to run back to what you know, even if it isn’t what you want. If you do that, however, you’re proving you aren’t ready to receive what you want. You can’t hold onto what you want if you’re going to run back to what you don’t want every time life throws a little obstacle your way.

The real test is whether you will choose to resonate with courage or fear. If you choose fear, you aren’t ready to have what you want. If you choose courage, you demonstrate your readiness. Courage is the ability to choose love rather than fear, regardless of circumstances. When you’re able to choose love no matter what…then you’re finally ready to receive what you’re asking for.

Another word for tolerance is cowardice. I know that sounds harsh…but it’s fairly accurate. If you’re experiencing what you don’t want, it’s because you’re allowing it. You remain free to choose something else. The question is whether you’ll step up and claim it… or chicken out and tell yourself it’s too big or that you aren’t ready or that you can’t possibly make it happen. That’s cowardice.

If you’re experiencing what you don’t want, then stop choosing to experience it. Quit. Leave. Stop. Enjoy the sense of relief that comes from releasing what you don’t want. This is much better than dying a slow death on a path you don’t even want to pursue.

If you don’t want it, let it go. Say goodbye to the old with love, so you can say hello to the new with love.  Every day you “tolerate” you resist love.   Love of life…which means waking up every day happy to be exactly where you are and wanting for absolutely nothing.  I’m not quite there yet….but I’m damn close!!

To say I was shocked is an understatement.  I have given out the password to my email once and only once.  Yes, I was in love and had absolutely nothing to hide, BUT at the same time, I eventually changed it.  Not because I was up to no good, but because everyone deserves some level of privacy.  I don’t use email all that frequently anyway.  My preferred methods of communication are blackberry messenger and text messaging, but I do use it once in a while.  What if I wanted to complain about something minor to my best friend?  Or was discussing a sensitive family matter with my Mom?  What if I wanted to be my own person and not have the person I love second guessing my every move?  Is that love?  I don’t think so.

Under no circumstances do I think true love equals giving up your privacy.  I’m appalled by the suggestion.  Doesn’t true love mean you respect and trust the other person?  That’s always been my take on it.  In addition to that, nobody has any control over what emails they receive.  I frequently hear from ex-boyfriends.  I rarely respond, but why even open up that can of worms when it isn’t necessary?  You’re only causing problems that don’t exist.  You can control your actions and your actions only.  You cannot control who contacts you and you shouldn’t be forced to worry about that either.  Act with honor and dignity and you will rarely find yourself on the wrong side of any situation.  Be honest, be true to yourself and the people you love and you can have healthy and stable relationships.  Relationships that don’t include checking up on your partner every second of the day.

You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your sense of self or your privacy to prove your love to someone else.  Anyone who thinks otherwise is insecure and fooling themselves.  You want to give someone the best gift ever?  Give them your time, attention, loyalty and love and be generous with those things.  That is truly the best gift EVER.

Over the weekend a friend of mine went out to watch football.  Her friend brought along a date.  Since she knew he was dating someone, let’s call her “Amanda” she addressed the girl by that name.  BIG mistake.  I hope she was wearing some tasty shoes because she inserted her foot right into her mouth.  It wasn’t Amanda, it was another girl.  When that girl excused herself to go to the restroom my friend asked the guy “so, what happened to Amanda?”  His response “Oh, she’s still around.”  WHAT?!?!  I really don’t understand men…or people in general…sometimes.  Apparently, this guy was “phasing out” girl number 1.  Yep, phasing out were the words he used.  Just when I thought I had heard it all.

All of this talk about cheating led me to try and find some statistics.  With the help of google (who doesn’t love google?) I found a few facts about cheating.  The facts are in black…my own personal comments are in red.  Let me know what you think!  I know everyone has an opinion about cheating.

Given the secretive nature of infidelity, exact figures about cheating and extra-marital affairs are nearly impossible to establish. But, listed below are some of the most well-supported facts about cheating.

• It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. And these numbers are probably on the conservative side, when you consider that close to half of all marriages end in divorce.  I personally believe these numbers on are VERY conservative.  I’m sure it’s more in the 60% plus range and even then, I’m sure it’s more.

• Research consistently shows that 2 to 3% of all children are the product of infidelity. And most of these children are unknowingly raised by men who are not their biological fathers.  Gee, why am I not shocked?  Anyone ever heard of a DNA test?  Maybe we should make it mandatory for all children born in the US since cheating is so rampant.

• Infidelity is becoming more common among people under 30. Many experts believe this increase in cheating is due to greater opportunity (time spent away from a spouse) and young people developing the habit of having multiple sexual partners before they get married.  In other words, Young and Restless is not just the name of a soap opera. In my personal opinion, nobody under 30 has any business getting married.  You have no idea who you are or what you want when you are that young.  I’ll say this now and I’ll keep saying it.  Picking the right partner is the single biggest and most important decision you will ever make.

• There are no definitive “signs of cheating.” But, in hindsight you will always find them.  While there may be no “definitive” signs, women just need to use and TRUST their intuition.  My gut is never wrong and I’m sure most other women feel the same.  However, when your partner stops coming home at night, is constantly on their phone, texting or emailing and they have become more interested in their looks or start going to the gym more…those are some signs.  Investigate.

• Men are more likely to cheat than women. But, as women become more financially independent, women are starting to act more like men with respect to infidelity.  I know this to be true, BUT…who are the men cheating with?  Other women.  Not all of those women can be single.  It’s not fair to place all the blame on the man.  Every situation takes two people…they should share the blame equally.

• In many cases, infidelity never gets discovered.  Imagine what the divorce rate would be if it did.

• Emotionally, it is possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time. Pragmatically, loving more than one person is difficult to do.  Loving or being involved with two people at a time is hard…and there can be no good outcome.  Someone is definitely going to get hurt.  If you find yourself in that situation, make a decision…quickly.  If it turns out to be the wrong decision, you can always try to fix it later.  I believe that nothing stands in the way of true love…if it’s meant to be, it will be. Somehow, some way, some day.  You have to have faith and trust that in the end….everything works out the way it is supposed to.

• “Office romances” are becoming more common. Spouses often spend more time with coworkers than with each other.  I’ve had many “work husbands.”  Quite frankly, I understand how cheating with someone you work with can happen.  You spend so much time together and you have a common goal.  Sparring with someone intellectually can be a real turn on. Which is why picking the right person to marry or be in a committed relationship with is key.  If you find yourself less than happy for an extended period of time or not in love anymore, an affair is almost guaranteed.

• The internet, e-mail, and chat rooms are making it easier for people to engage in infidelity.  Facebook and Twitter are the new bars.  How many ex’s have you talked to online?  I count even count how many people I’ve “reconnected” with.  I know many, many relationships that have ended due to people who have found each other again on Facebook.

• The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice; instead infidelity is usually driven by circumstances and one’s emotions. In fact, most people are surprised by their own behavior at the start of an affair.  It’s easy for the wife or husband to blame the other person in the affair, but that person is not the problem.  They are just the symptom of a much larger problem.  Getting your significant other to promise never to speak to or see that person again will successfully remove that particular someone, but unless you fix the relationship, there will be others.  Don’t let jealousy cloud your thinking.  Start working on your relationship immediately and if it can’t be fixed, recognize that and move on.  Living a lie will catch up with you in the end and you’ll hate yourself for wasting so much of your life in a relationship that was less than perfect.

• Emotional infidelity, compared to just physical infidelity, can inflict as much, if not more, hurt, pain and suffering. And to make matters worse, most infidelity involves both physical and emotional betrayal.  Sex is just sex.  It’s primal and biological…but it can be done without feelings.  That is the kind of cheating that can be overcome.  Once there are emotions involved, that’s much harder to recover from.

• Unfortunately, many people find a more suitable mate (someone they love more than their spouse) after they are already married.  This brings me back to a point I made earlier.  Find the right person to commit to.  DO NOT EVER SETTLE.  You are not doing yourself or your partner any favors by settling….and God forbid you exacerbate the issue by having children…you are sure to live a life that is unfulfilled and unhappy.  An unhappy and unfulfilled life is almost a guarantee that you will cheat.  Which will hurt your spouse, your children and everyone else involved.

• Biological evidence (i.e., research on biology and reproduction) indicates that long-term monogamy is difficult for humans to achieve – NOT impossible, but difficult.  If you have the right partner, a ton of love, respect, communication, honesty and laughter…well then…it’s not impossible.  How many of us have all of that?  Not many, unfortunately.

• Almost everyone admits to having fantasies that involve someone other than a spouse. This is natural and normal.  I fantasize about Simon Baker constantly.  I love him.

Personally, I wouldn’t cheat on anyone.  I would break up with that person long before it got to that point.  Was I always like that?  NO, but I am now…and that’s what matters.  Cheating is painful and it’s the ultimate betrayal in my book.  I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons over the years, but none more valuable than what I keep preaching.  Don’t settle.  Don’t get married because all your friends are doing it.  Most importantly, if you do find yourself in a marriage that isn’t everything you want and need it to be, do not have children thinking that will save the marriage or make it better.  It won’t!

Instead of cheating, be honest with your partner.  Even if the love is gone, be respectful.  Explain how you are feeling and try to work it out first.  Do you really want to look in the mirror ever day for the rest of your life and know you are a cheater?  I doubt it.

So….why do we do that?

Because we always want to hope that this is the one.  We are very quick to brush warning signs under the rug. We tell ourselves it’s not as bad as we might think, the person didn’t mean what they said. Somehow it’s discounted and pushed aside because the focus is on acquisition of this person’s love, instead of, is this the right person to love?

We focus on the end goal, and not on who we’re trying to achieve the goal with. Is this you? Next time you involve yourself with a person you think could be the one, look out for some of these all-too common red flags. Note: Sometimes…you’re the one waving it

Red Flag #1: He’s not available! If Mr. Wonderful says he’s about to break-up with his girlfriend, leave his wife (they NEVER leave their wives)or he and his ex still get together on occasion, that’s code for “Take a number and get in line.” But some women, will see this as competition set up to prove that they’re the better choice.  I’ve been there, trust me…he might leave a girlfriend for you, but he will never leave his wife.  And even if he does, what are you getting?  A guy that cheats!  If he cheated on her, he will cheat on you. It is that simple. Is that really what you want?  You are scraping the bottom of the dating barrel.  Have more respect for yourself than he has for either of you and move on.  You deserve better.

Red Flag #2: When he says he’s not the “boyfriend-type,” believe him. Other variations: “I’m just trying to have fun,” or “I’m not really looking for a girlfriend right now.” Guys will tell you who they are right off the bat, and women think they’re the ones who can change his mind. We can’t change their minds and we shouldn’t try.

Red Flag #3: Your phone isn’t ringing enough. If you call him and he takes a week or two to call you back, let it go. Or, you hear from him when he wants something. People make time for what they’re interested in, what’s important to them. In my bible, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” it says that even the President of the United States has time to make a phone call to the woman he’s interested in once a day.  It’s true.  Believe it.

Red Flag #4: His life is closed off to you. He hasn’t introduced you to his friends. He visits you, but you never visit him. The two of you barely go out in public. If it’s like the guy has two separate lives, he’s made you a friend with benefits. Or worse, a secret lover.  Run…as fast as you possibly can away from this person.  Unless you like being used…in that case, go for it.

Red Flag #5: You paid for the first date. And the second. And the third. Oh, he’s got money. The tricked up ride is proof of that. He’s just not spending much of it on you. You want someone who can meet you on a level playing field. Or at least has a spirit of sharing, like a partner.

Red Flag #6: He can describe what kind of underwear you had on last night, but has no clue what you do for a living. When he’s showing no interest in your life or who you are as a person, you’ve made yourself a bed buddy.  Again, run.  As if you were on fire.

Red Flag #7: His ex keeps creeping up in conversation. Making quick references to past relationships is one thing. But when it’s clearly emotional baggage he can’t unload, how can he focus on forging a new journey with you? It’s simple…he can’t and he doesn’t want to.  Take the hint.  You’ll save yourself so much grief in the long run.

I could go on and on. You know a red flag when you see one. Some are more major than others. Certainly, if you get even a glimpse of a violent streak in your date, bid him a quick adieu. But the flag is present, you know…when you feel the prickly things on the back of your neck. When you get that little nudge in your gut. And yes, when that voice makes you question why you’re wasting your time with someone who doesn’t believe in monogamy.  For me, my gut is always right…trust it, believe it…do NOT let your mind lead you.  Trust your gut above all else and you will be fine…and you will meet Mr. Right.

Granted, I was talking to the single happiest person walking the earth.  He lives an IDYLLIC life that any normal person would envy.  However, his level of happiness is an anomaly.  Not everyone can be married to their soulmate and love of their life, have a thriving, successful business, be considered an expert in his field, have beautiful kids, etc.  It’s the life I think we all desire to live. What we all do and should aspire to.

Which got to me thinking…how many people are happy? What is happiness? How do you define it?  How do you increase it? Does true happiness really exist? I’m much happier now than I have been for the majority of this year, but I’m not at my optimum level of happiness.  I don’t know that I have ever been as happy as I can be.  I blame it on my parents…and no, that isn’t my therapist talking.  Hell, I’m not even in therapy at the moment (although for the record, I am a BIG believer).  I grew up with two parents that have been married since my mom was 16.  They are still together.  Has it been perfect?  No, but I don’t know two people that love each other more than they do.  I would go as far as to say that I’m not sure one could exist without the other.  Ok, for those of you that know my parents, my Mom could survive without anyone, but you know what I mean.  Her life would be inexplicably altered and she wouldn’t be whole.  They are the epitome of “you complete me.”  It’s a tough thing to live up to.

Not that having a relationship is paramount to being happy.  The times I’ve been happiest in my life were probably times that I was single.  But I’ve been happy being in a relationship too.  What I’m exploring now is what, exactly, makes me happy?  Some of my happiest times were doing very simple things with Dianka.  Our routine of going to the beach weekly used to make me very happy.  Spending time with Glenn and Danielle, sometimes doing nothing, makes me happy.  Being on vacation makes me VERY happy.  If I could spend my life traveling around the world, that would be my version of bliss.  A Saturday morning, spent shopping with my sister, Starbucks in hand, makes me happy.

Now I’m wondering what makes other people happy.  Friends, family, hobbies, career, their favorite sports team, love, sex, what?  That’s the purpose of this blog.  To get you thinking about happiness.  What makes you happy, what’s your happiest memory, what can you do to be happy every day?  After all, isn’t happiness a state of mind?

So, think about it for a little while.  I went as far as spending some time writing down what makes me happy and the things I’m grateful for.  It helped a lot.  It made me realize that my life is pretty amazing right now…even if it has been a disaster for most of this year.  Now that I’m happy again, I’m checking the pulse of everyone else.

Take stock and ask yourself…are you happy?  If you aren’t, write down what makes you happy.  I have learned that once you put things in writing, things start to happen.  You’ve put your goals, dreams, hopes, etc. on paper and that makes them real.  If you are happy, do whatever you can to stay that way.  If you aren’t…do as I suggested and write down what has made you happy in the past.

Ok, so now that I’ve covered  all the superficial happiness…let’s discuss the one thing I know that can bring happiness to everyone.  Giving.  One thing I have noticed in my lifetime is this…little things really do count. You might be tempted to dismiss them, but they are the seeds of daily joy that can grow into a lifetime of happiness. You can fill someone’s day with joy just by making that same little effort. I sent an encouraging email to lift a friend’s spirits today. It worked. Those carefully chosen words put a smile on her face. I’m sure you can guess how happy that made me feel, too.  Most times, giving makes you so much happier than anything you could ever receive.  For me, giving is the ultimate joy.

Last year, my sister and I were driving home from shopping and saw a mother and her children going through clothing bins looking for jackets and sweaters, it was freezing out.  She had young children with her and we immediately felt like we had to do something.  We went home, got Danielle and a whole bunch of clothes, jackets, etc. and went back and looked for the woman.  We found her and gave her a very large back of clothes.  You could see the look of gratitude on her face and that made me happier than anything I could imagine.  It made a large impression on a then 3 year old Danielle.  She is now always looking to give things away, where before that, we couldn’t get her to part with anything.  In that moment and all other moments in my life when I was giving or doing something selfless for others, that is pure, unadulterated happiness.  It is bliss.  If you’re not happy…do something for someone else.  Volunteer your time, serve others…it is the quickest way to find happiness.  I promise.

I’ve spent the better part of this year helping a friend through a rough breakup.  The relationship was very intense, but short lived and it made an indelible impression on my friend.  She has never felt this way about another guy before and she still feels, many months later, that he is the guy for her.  I’m pretty sure the relationship is over for good, but I always believe “never say never.”  I’m having difficulty comforting her or offering any words of encouragement because what do you say to someone in that situation?  Get over it?  That’s far too cruel for me to say and quite honestly…who am I to say that to anyone?  The truth is, life goes on…and in time, she will get over it and him.  But when you’re going through that, it’s the very last thing you want to hear.  She could have him in her life as a friend, but in my opinion, that only makes it worse.  I don’t think you can be friends until you no longer have the desire to be in a relationship with that person.  At least that’s how it works for me.  Sometimes, a year or so has to go by before I can start a friendship with a person I had a romantic relationship with…and most times, I choose not to pursue a friendship at all.  Generally, when that much time has passed, I’m not hurt any longer…but I don’t have ANY feelings at all…so it would be weird for me to have a friendship with that person. Everyone is different and I’m sure many other people deal with it in a different way.

Then there is another friend who has been with her boyfriend for many, many years.  The first few spent in the back and forth game of  ”yes, I can commit and no, I can’t commit.”  They seem to have found their rhythm over the past couple of years and I believe they are destined for marriage.  Unfortunately, he would need to propose and that doesn’t seem likely, at the moment.  His own mother puts photos of engagement rings in front of him and tells him she will help him pick out the ring.  He’s in his 30′s, so it’s not like he’s too young…he just has a severe case of commitment phobia.  I know every girl that reads this will roll her eyes, but in this case I swear it’s true.  I’ve spent time talking to him about it.  He truly has some issues in his past that prevent him from taking the final leap of faith.  He will get there eventually…I’m sure of this because I know how much he loves my friend.  BUT…what if he doesn’t?  My friend is in her late 30′s and wants to get married and have children.  How much more time should she give him?  I can’t see her issuing an ultimatum (nor do I think issuing an ultimatum is the way to get anything)…and I often wonder what she will end up doing.  Will her love for him (he is truly “the one”) overshadow her desire for marriage and children?  I suspect it will.  Will she resent him 10 years from now if that does turn out to be the case?  Who knows.  I hope he gets his shit together and none of this actually happens.  Best case is that she gets the guy and the marriage and kids.  That’s my hope for her…she, of all people, deserves to have it all.

My cousin is going through the same situation, except she doesn’t want kids and neither does he.  They have been together six years, own a house together, etc…but yet he hasn’t proposed.  She drops MANY hints.  The entire family does.  We were all together last weekend and her poor boyfriend heard about it from all of us.  Truth is, he’s a GREAT guy…in every sense of the word.  I hope the proposal comes soon…just so he doesn’t have to endure anymore crap from the her and the rest of us!  My cousin wants to get married…even without the possibility of ever having kids and I think that’s awesome!  To me, that is true love.  People don’t need to procreate in order to be happily married.

Then there’s me…I haven’t found Mr. Right yet.  Well, let’s be honest…I thought I had, but he didn’t want me.  He was madly in love with someone else and as happy as any person could possibly be.  As someone who loves love and the idea of all things romantic, I think it’s amazing to see a man love a woman that much…it makes me believe it’s possible.  Of course, I still wonder…what if I never feel that way again?  It seems like a logical thing to think about.  I never felt that way before or after him…that has to mean something.  In 42 years, only one person has made me feel that way.  Pretty bad odds, if you ask me.  I can’t give up…I have to keep searching, but it’s always in the back of my mind that I will have to settle because I can’t ever have the guy I really want.  I hope I meet someone who completely blows me away and proves me wrong…that would be the best case scenario for me.  My eyes are open…my heart…well, I’m working on that.  Until then, I’m going to keep reciting these lyrics to the new Michael Buble song “I  Just Haven’t Met You Yet.”

I Might Have To Wait
I’ll Never Give Up
I Guess It’s Half Timing
And The Other Half’s Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It’s Right
You’ll Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me

Ok, so all of those stories are from the female prospective.  I also have a good male friend who is going through a tough breakup with his live in girlfriend.  She is moving out and he is pretty devastated.  She has grown incredibly close to his daughter and he doesn’t know how to help his daughter through this.  I’m being supportive, because that’s what friends do…however, he had no business ever moving in with this person.  He was never in love with her…and when you have kids, you have to make damn sure you are in healthy, stable relationship built on love and mutual respect before you introduce that person to your kids.  Should you move someone in when you’ve only been dating a few months?  NO, you should not.  That is a very general statement and I know every situation is different, but with kids you have to be careful.  My friend is lucky.  His daughter is an extremely well adjusted child…and he deserves kudos for raising her that way.  She is a vibrant, happy, loving and brilliant child.  Will she remember any of this?  Probably not, she’s very young, but it will hurt for now and her father is going to have to struggle through this.  I feel for both of them, but his current situation wasn’t perfect…they weren’t destined for marriage so it is for the best that it ends now.  No matter how hard it is.  The point is…he’s a guy and he is completely broken up about the relationship ending.  She cheated and is involved with someone else, which I’m sure isn’t helping his ego…but it should prove that it wasn’t the right situation.  If one or both people in the relationship are cheating…there are significant problems and most likely, those people are not in love and are not happy.  What happy and completely in love person do you know that cheats?  Nobody, right?  And that’s my point.

Relationships are tough.  Even my parents, who are the most in love people I have ever known, will say it’s not always easy.  It takes a lot of work, commitment and trust to make a relationship work.  The most essential ingredient is love.  With love, I believe you can get through anything together.  You can overcome all obstacles as long as you are truly in love with the other person.  Some people will tell you kids keep a marriage together, but I don’t necessarily believe that.  I do know a couple who would probably be divorced if not for their two kids, but the husband uses those children to keep his wife around.  He can’t live without her, so he uses her devotion to their kids to keep her in the marriage.  Is that the healthiest thing in the world?  Probably not, but it also isn’t healthy that he won’t let her work and he works out of the house so they can be together every minute of the day.  To me, that relationship is a poor example of a good one…but those who know them well will say it’s the best marriage they have ever seen.  Go figure…maybe unhealthy, obsessive and repressive relationships are what we should all be in…lol.  I’m kidding, obviously.  That couple is the exception to the rule.  The rest of us should look for healthy relationships, with balance, passion, respect, trust, some level of privacy and most importantly…love.  Those are the ingredients that will bring us what really want….a great relationship!

Posted in Uncategorized ]]> http://patticutrone.wordpress.com/2009/10/11/relationships/feed/ 1 PC http://patticutrone.wordpress.com/2009/10/01/malibu/ http://patticutrone.wordpress.com/2009/10/01/malibu/#comments Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:57:21 +0000 PC http://patticutrone.wordpress.com/?p=149 ]]> A few months ago I went on a quick vacation to Southern California.  The purpose of the trip was to see Ben Lee at the Troubadour in LA, a legendary music venue (and rightfully so).  It was a great trip.  I had the best drink I’ve ever had, called  a Starry Night, at a hotel in Beverly Hills.  I saw a great live show, went to see a taping of Jimmy Kimmel where I saw my future husband….ok, fine, so Matthew McConnaughey is NOT going to be my next husband, but a girl can dream, ate at some great restaurants and in general, had a blast.

Shutters on the Beach, in Santa Monica, was an amazing hotel experience.  It was top notch….from beginning to end and I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone and I have to several friends already.  I also went to Malibu on that trip…and it was there, on that trip, that it was decided that my sister and I would get a puppy and his name would be Malibu Duke.  Don’t ask me why…that name was picked after way too many cocktails, but an idea…and a name were born.  As was the overwhelming desire to live in that idyllic seaside community!

Since then, we have looked at many, many puppies.  We have never had anything other than big dogs and that’s primarily what we are drawn to.  This time we were thinking about a small dog, a Malitpoo to be exact, but were open to other breeds.  It took five months, but we did eventually find and purchase a puppy.  A Jack Russell (no, we had NO IDEA how hyper they are) and being that he weighs less than 4 pounds, we didn’t think a big name like Malibu Duke would fit so we named him Malibu.

Malibu is the cutest little thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on, but he is a complete terror.  My sister arrived home from work the other day to find me fast asleep on the couch with the puppy laying next to me at 7pm.  I was wearing sweat pants and my hair hadn’t seen a brush all day.  I was completely exhausted.  Having a puppy is like having a newborn.  I can’t go anywhere without him.  He actually has a car seat so we can take him places with me and when we have somewhere to go that he can’t come with us, we drop him off at my parents and have them babysit him.  It’s pathetic.  Friday we leave for a huge family celebration and then a vacation with the kids and we have definitely kicked around the idea of taking him with us.  There should be more hotels that allow dogs…like Lowes and Omni.  Right now, what we are doing with him is up in the air but I know if we end up not taking him, I will miss him like crazy.  I’ve already grown realllllly attached to him.  He’s as sweet as he is feisty and he makes me laugh constantly.

Puppies aren’t for everyone.  They are a ton of work…honestly, it is exactly like having a newborn, but the reward is worth it.  Once I get over this initial phase and we all settle into a routine, I know I will not regret getting him (even though I bet my neighbors think I regret it already…they must hear “Malibu…NO” a thousand times a day).  It’s funny that a quick five day trip has turned my life upside down…but that’s what this period of my life is all about…change and doing things outside my comfort zone!  I’m grateful for Malibu…both the town and my gorgeous new puppy!

If I sat around and counted all the money I’ve spent on products, I would have say it’s in the many tens of thousands.  At least.  I thought nothing of dropping almost $1000 on three LaPrarie products that promised to change to my life.  In their defense, I’m an easy sell…and the LaPrarie foundation is something I would have continued to spend hundreds of dollars on had they not discontinued it.  It stands out, by far, as the single best product I have ever purchased.  It was not the most expensive.  At the time it was $265.00 and worth it’s weight in gold to me.  The eye cream and the moisturizer I never purchased again, but only because I am a pretty loyal La Mer user.  I know…saying pretty loyal about a product whore is kind of funny, but it’s factual in this particular case.  La Mer is in a class all by itself as far as moisturizers go, but I do cheat and try any other brand that promises to do something different.  To date, I haven’t found anything that is better than La Mer and I highly doubt I ever will…yet the pursuit shall continue.

I’d have to liken my obsession with products to what an alcoholic or drug addict must feel.  I truly get “high” when I’m in Sephora, or even better the cosmetics department of Saks or Nordies.  Dianka and I used to spend countless hours at the department store counters trying everything offered to us.  In particular I remember one Saturday, more than a decade ago, that we had just tried on a new foundation.  D and I live in our own little bubble, so needless to say, we told each other how gorgeous we looked.  However, on that day, we ran into her sister, Veronica.  Who looked at us and told us our skin looked “dreamy.”  We had already purchased the product, but we felt so vindicated that someone else besides the salesperson told us how great we looked.  That might have been the day I became more obsessed than I already was.  It’s hard to say, because it feels like it’s been a lifelong quest for the perfect products.

Along the way, I have discovered some truly amazing products that I am going to share over the coming weeks.  Products that really do stand out way above their competitors, in my opinion.  Beauty products are subjective and what works for me won’t work for a lot of other people, but there are some that do work for everyone and I will concentrate on those first.  Others are much more targeted for me and my specific issues…and I’ll tell you some of the them. My face has combination skin.  Very oily in the t-zone and dry everywhere else.  The rest of my skin in general, is pretty dry.  I am obsessed with sugar scrubs, oils, etc.  Anything that I can use in the shower that will help me come out moisturized and dewey…I’m all about that.  I am obsessed with my feet.  I scrub them with a pumice stone every day because I can’t stand dry skin on my feet.  My hair is abnormally thick, very long, dyed on a monthly basis (ok, fine…I TRY to get there once a month) and relaxed.  I know, I know…I put my hair through hell and trust me,  I have paid the price.  My hair will be it’s own separate blog soon.  Besides those things, the only other area I really fret over is my eyelashes…but I think I’ve solved that problem as well.  Which will most likely be my next blog.

For right now, I want EVERYONE to know about Bliss (I am a HUGE fan of most Bliss products) Pore Perfecting Facial Polish.  Like every woman, I think my pores are huge.  In reality, they aren’t…but I definitely have some on my nose that I would like to be smaller.  Can you shrink your pores?  Any dermatologist will tell you absolutely not…and since I’m not a doctor, I choose to believe them.  I’ve never had a product even reduce the appearance of my pores…so I was skeptical when I plunked down the money to buy it in Sephora a couple of months ago (Sephora being next to the Apple store in my local mall means I have pretty much solved any recession issues on Long Island).  I LOVE this product.  Madly, truly and deeply.  Sadly, I cannot find it on the blissworld.com website so I have to go back to my local Sephora this week to see if they have it.  I’m almost out and I have a huge event this week that I’d love for my skin to look perfect for.  I know I could use makeup, but I really despise putting makeup on.  Yes, as much as I love products and I buy way more than my fair share of makeup, I hate wearing it.  I put on the absolute bare minimum to not scare little children on most days and only wear a full face of makeup maybe once a month or so.  A full face consisting of foundation, mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss.  Yep, that’s the extent of it.  On Dianka’s birthday, I attempt eyeshadow and other things because she’s so glamorous…but left to my own devices, never!!  For those of you that can find it at Sephora, you must, must, must try the Pore Perfecting Facial Polish.  Best product I have ever tried for pores.  Leaves your skin really smooth (it’s a scrub) and your pores do look much less noticeable.  The great thing about Sephora is that you can try it and if you don’t like it, you can return it for a full refund.  I personally have never done that, but the girls that work at my Sephora are always telling me that it’s an option (and that a few people REALLY take advantage of it).

All this product talk has left me anxious to go buy this month’s issue of In Style (they have the best ads).  It’s fall, which is the perfect time of year for all of us product whores!  Have any products you want to tell me about?  Please leave a comment as I am ALWAYS looking for new stuff to try!